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November 17, 2023
This article serves as a transcription for a podcast episode featuring Margaret Beaver. The original episode is available here.
SG: It’s funny how people want you to be ashamed of your, of your pain. Of what you went through that you didn’t even want; you didn’t even think would ever happen in your life. People want you to be ashamed of it.
SG: So, do you know, like, even in the hospital— because I was diagnosed first in Dubai, and then I went back home, because I was living in Ghana before I moved to France. So, like, when I was in Ghana, I was diagnosed in Ghana, even all the doctors were saying that “Don't even say it to people,” so the stigma even started in the hospital before— because I didn't even know it was something you don't talk about. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. Because me, I just have some confidence, and even over the years now, my confidence has even grown even more and more. So I'm not shy to say certain things. Like, when I'm talking to my mom, I just say things the way I want to say it. Like, I'm not shy. You know.
MB: Good! Good. Absolutely.
SG: Yes. I was like, “This particular one, why should I be shy of what I went through?” Like, I could have, I could have died. Because when I think about some of the things that, um, happened— Like, you know, when I was in Dubai, I was in the hospital because they rushed me to the hospital because of what was happening. Nobody understood. And they put, you know, they gave me a sedative and then, you know, because of, like, in that state, you have so much energy. It's hard for you to sleep. So when they gave me that, the nurses and the doctor thought that it had worked on me.
SG: But guess what? It hadn't worked. So I woke up and I literally took the drip that they put on me and everything. I pulled it out and blood was gushing from my hands. Fortunately for me, a nurse came in at that time and they all started rushing into the hospital and, before I realized, I woke up in, in a different place.
MB: Wow. That was remarkable.
SG: I know! So, like, I've been through a lot. And sometimes when you go through some of these things, people want to come, and people want to tell you how to live. And I was like—I look at them and I'm like— “Hey, you didn't see the world I saw when I went through that. You didn't see; you weren't there. You weren't in there when I got all the injections that I got that even when I was flying back to Ghana, I couldn't sit down, and I couldn't sit down for almost… weeks. Like, I couldn't sit down for about a week. It was hard about a week or so; I can't even remember because I was still sick, but at least I know I couldn't sit down.
SG: It was so, so hard. I go through all this, and you think I'll come out the same or I'll, I'll be subdued to human thinking. I mean, like the way humans just think life is—no! I came out, I went through that, and I came out as a changed person. I'm really happy— It was a very sad thing to go through, but I couldn’t be the same anymore when I came out of that. And a lot of people were like, “Oh, why didn't you, you know, do this? At this time, you have to pray more.” I couldn't—even my brain couldn't allow me to—do certain things. Because when you go through that, you go through a different sort of dimension in the world. And one thing I've noticed about people who go through mental disorders and who are in this state is, when they speak, they have some level of wisdom and understanding of the world that most people do not. I'm not going to associate it with every single person, but I would, I would say “most.” I noticed that even the way you're speaking, you know, it's different. It’s different from the mere human being.
SG: Somebody was saying this some time ago, that maybe God makes, God does this to some of us so that we see life in a different way and explain it to the world.
MB: Yeah, we need philosophers somehow.
SG: Yeah, we are like God's chosen ones, that God chooses some of us to go through these things.
SG: It's really hard for anybody to twist my mind; I'm not scared of things anymore. Literally an ex-friend told me that she was a witch. I slept by her; I wasn't scared. And it's so funny because she was actually scared of me. I don't pray. I don't, I don't do stuff. I don't do so many things. My spiritual practice is gratitude.
But I don't do all these things that people do. I'm not saying people are scared of me, but some of these people who claim that they are into all this spiritual stuff, they literally cannot stand me. Do you understand? And the reason why I don't have fear for those things is because of what I've been through. What I went through, you know, from 2018 and what I went through in 2020. So I can't be the same.
MB: It’s very hard to be scared of things when your worst fear has already happened.
SG: Thank you. Thank you. This is, like, the worst thing that could ever happen to a human being—because cancer is, like, cancer is glorified. So, if you have cancer, everybody's like, “We see you,” but what I went through, it’s not glorified at all. And I went through it, I disgraced myself even on social media and everything, on YouTube, everything. I went through it, and I came out like nothing happened. I moved on with my life like nothing happened. And I didn't even use that to, um, to judge my future. Right now, I have a very close relationship with God, that even in the world, if the whole world is against me, I don't care.
SG: Just because of what I went through, it made me understand deep. Like, right now, I can literally go deep into things. I can go deep into reading about something or anything because, like, what's going to happen? I'm not even scared. I was listening to, um, Doja Cat and then someone was telling me that, “Hey, you're listening to that girl, Demon.” I was like, “I'm also a Demon Lord.” She was like, “How can you say that?” I was like, “Yeah, she's a Demon Lord; I'm a Demon Lord. I'm not, I'm not afraid of demons.” People live in fear, but with what I've been through, it's hard for me to live in fear.
MB: Yeah. Yeah. And even still, like you said, people will stigmatize certain music artists. You know, their genre, what they talk about or whatever it is, they're going to demonize certain people they don't understand.
SG: Yeah. And they don't have a deeper understanding—because when somebody's saying, “I'm a Demon Lord,” this is how I'm thinking about it, this is how Sharon is thinking about it: I'm thinking about it as, the Demons that I deal with on the inside, the negative side of me, I'm the Lord of them so they can't control me. That's how I'm thinking about it.
MB: That's a good way to think about it!
SG: Exactly. Because I've dived deep into my mind, so I am telling the Demons that live within me—which everybody has in them—that “I am the Lord of you. I am the Demon Lord. I'm the Lord in me.” And I don't care what you think. And one thing about what I went through, it helped me to have a very, very open mind. So I accept every single person because I know that what we go through as human beings— And even being a human being is not easy, so it makes me be like— I don’t, I don’t even criticize people. I don't judge people. It's not even a joke. Like, when I see something and my eyes want to speak about it, I close my eyes. Obviously, there are some things that you see and you go like, “I mean, what, what the, what the hell is this? Like, are usually normal?” Always, because I'm a human being. So sometimes I'm like, “Ah, are you normal at all?” But it's not something that I will speak about and ponder on or talk about. No. Like, even when I do that, there's also another thought that goes like, “Oh, you never know what this person is going through. You never know them.” Or: “At this point in time, this person doesn't have this understanding of this. And that's why they're acting like this, and people can change.”
SG: So, I'm going to move on to the last question.
MB: I very much appreciate your openness. And, you know, speaking about all this, I understand that it is so, so difficult. So, yeah, I very much appreciate this.
SG: I am happy because, the truth is, I would've started speaking about this earlier. But because I heard that there’s a stigma, which I didn't know existed until I was dealing with this, I decided to shut up and understand what I was dealing with.
SG: And I have deeper, deeper stories, you know, um, and I'm really happy that I'm talking about this because, trust me, inwardly, I would love, love, love to speak about this. Like, I do want, I want to speak about it all the time. I really want to speak about it, um, on my platform. I want to help people that are dealing with this. I want every human being to know that, see, you're stigmatizing this person, but you yourself can go through this—you just need a trigger. You just need someone to trigger it. And you will be in the states as well. Everybody is close to having a mental illness or a mental disorder—
MB: Or any problem.
SG: Or any problem! So don't feel like you're better than somebody because you've not been clinically diagnosed with anything or because you don't take drugs or anything. And, to be honest, I know this might sound crazy, but the truth of the matter is most great people go to Hell. I don't know why— ‘cause, you know, when I was in my first, my second episode, when I relapsed, I was shouting. I was literally shouting and I was speaking, crying to God.
SG: And I knew I was sick back then. I remember this in my head—so, so vividly. I said, “God, even if you want me to be great, do I have to go through this?” I promise! Everybody was trying to hold me because, at that time, you have so much energy that you can fight the strongest man in this world. So like, “Do I have to go through this? Even if I'm going to— Even if you want me to be great, do I have to go through this? Like, this is so painful.” And I was, I was not okay. But, you see, that's what I'm saying: that this is why people do not really understand mental disorders—because it's very… it's bizarre, it's weird, but at the same time, it's normal.
SG: Because even I remember a doctor was talking to me; he didn't understand how the people in the hospital were talking to each other. People who were sick, you know, who had relapsed and everything, how we were having conversations with each other. I have a friend in Dubai, and we were single, but I wrote her number down and then, you know, we still kept contact till today.
MB: That’s good!
SG: I know! It’s very weird how the doctors cannot communicate with us, but we are communicating with each other. It's a miracle. That's, like, that's why people still cannot fathom or understand this, this thing that we go through. But I feel like this world is already a mysterious world. Even cancer is mysterious. Everything, every other illness is mysterious. I mean, how do you get a headache? Like, if you want to start dissecting how you get a headache and everything, it might not even make sense.
MB: There are so many questions.
SG: Yeah, exactly. So, everything doesn't make sense—it's also like a mental disorder. So, the same way you have a physical disorder, that's the same way you can have a mental disorder. And that's one thing that people should understand. Nothing makes sense. And we shouldn't even try and make sense of it—‘cause that's what makes us humans.
SG: So, the final question is “How do you treat the people who cannot understand you and think you are pretending when you're going through a mental stress, confusion, or illness?”
MB: Well, as I've spoken about initially, I've been very blessed, you know, to have parents and friends who are very interested in bettering my journey and my health, you know, people who already are a little predisposed to these sorts of things. I tend to only gravitate towards crowds of people who share a common understanding of that disorder. Like you said, you know, when, when you go through the same thing, you kind of clump together. And there's, there's a kindness that is forged in that. And even people who have no idea about what I'm going through, but are happy to learn—you know, I’m happy to educate but only if the individual is open and willing to learn. You know, I'm not about to waste my time and my mental capacity trying to drill into someone else's head that they should care about other people besides themselves and people who are exactly like them.
MB: I'm incredibly strict with who I choose to spend my time with, especially considering, you know, we, we've been dealt those consequences once before and I never intend to have that happen to me again. And so, my circle is very small, but it's very empathetic and understanding and I can very openly speak about what I'm dealing with or how I'm feeling with my close friends—and especially my mother, who is my biggest advocate. There have been people who have drifted into my life for the sole purpose of reminding me that not everyone understands, and
that not everyone is willing to understand.
SG: That's so true. People are not willing to understand, not at all. Like, I was dating a guy. And I told him I was dealing with this and then some time ago, he got me angry. Do you know what this guy told me? He told me I should take my— he told me to take my meds. That was the last time I saw him.
MB: Good.
SG: I ended it. I was like, “Are you mad? Do you know how many times I've told you to read about this illness and you just discard it? You think that's how we take meds?” It was like 5:00 P.M. and I take my meds in the evening— Like, let's say I take it at seven and ten, and he was telling me I should take my meds. I was like, “Are you mad? Why do you think the fact that I'm dealing with a disorder doesn't necessarily mean— Like, I can get angry or what?” I was so pissed and that was the last time I saw him—because I'm not going to deal with somebody who's not willing to learn or understand and think that the fact that I'm angry means that I'm not taking my meds or something.
MB: Yeah, people very much—and even ourselves, even myself—confuse genuine, normal emotions with a symptom of something. You know, they're going to associate a negative emotion with a negative problem, and, of course, there's also that sigma that comes in. These people who don't understand, they're automatically associating, once again, this negative reaction with a disorder, which is interpreted as a negative thing. But it's really not; it's just a thing. It's just a thing.
SG: Yeah. It's just a thing. It's just a human thing. And I'm so happy for my therapist and then my nurse, because I was going through a breakup. I felt— I was so scared. Like, my nurse is very busy, so I can't just get him like that. But that particular day I was so scared, and I called his office. And I was so scared. I was like, “I feel like I'm about to relapse because I just broke up with my ex. And it's like my head is just spinning. I'm so scared.” And then he called me and then he was like, “Sharon, you're not going to relapse. You take your meds. You go for therapy. You do this. You're not going to relapse. It's normal. Relax.” And just hearing him say that… I just relaxed, like I was okay. And my therapist said the same thing and I was just relaxing. I was like, “Oh, I'm so thankful for these people in my life because they make me understand that you are also a human being.”
SG: The fact that, you know, obviously if something bad happens, you react the way you are reacting. It's normal. Any human being will react the way you’re reacting and. Like, my help has really come from professionals, professionally. But in my circle, like, let's say, friends? No, no, no. I don't have help from that family. No, no, no, no, no. My mom is a very Christian woman, so you can imagine. She was amazing when I was in the hospital and everything, but in terms of understanding and everything, I go to my— Like, my therapist is my very good friend. Like, I told my therapist that you can literally sell me anything. Just tell me anything because anything you tell me, I believe you.
MB: Yeah, I have found some of my best friends in my medical practitioners, who helped me on all of those months that you're in and out of clinics, and, you know, you're coming in for your routine appointments. Those people that you see so often and people that absolutely understand what you're going through—there’s that friendship.
SG: And because they see your journey. My therapist hasn't given up on me; she has been my therapist since February 2021. And even when I traveled, because she doesn't live here— And when I travel, she's still with me, you know. I told her that I'm like, “I cannot do just one month once anymore, but can we do it twice?” And, you know, she reflected on it, she got back to me, and, you know, we have just been consistent, and it really helps me. I promise you: it has helped me to make the best decisions just talking to her.
MB: That’s excellent.
SG: And she’s a very good listener. And I'm like, “I'm married to you in my head. You're my husband. I don't need any man.” Because it’s just so amazing. Just talking to her alone, I can have solutions for any problem that I have.
MB: Yeah, people really don't understand the true power of validation. You know, just being able to speak to someone who you know creates a positive and an open environment for you. Or people, like your nurse, who can, you know, have that clinical knowledge. They can totally tell you right off the bat: it's normal. And you need that guidance; you need that assurance. Everyone needs it. It's a human need. You just need assurance.
SG: The part I really like is that when you're talking to them, they’re listening. Do you know that most people don't listen? Like, even some friends and family, they don't listen. But when I'm speaking to my— You know, we are spiritual beings. So you can even feel that the person is listening to you. And that's what I love. Like, I lacked that from my— I didn't have that with my ex.
SG: I used to complain about that a lot. Maybe because I know how it is for somebody to truly listen to you. So, it's, like, when I'm speaking to my therapist, by the time I finish with the conversation, I feel so whole. Because she's listening to me in every, you know, sentence. My therapist doesn't talk too much, but everything she says, oh my God, it's just like life transforming, you know, just like life transforming. She always listens to me, you know, vent and everything. And then she would say like one or two lines about it. And if there's any other things like— You know, it's just amazing. And I really, really love that in my life. I promise you: I prefer to have a therapist than have a husband. Thank you very much.
SG: I mean, what do I need a husband for? The only thing I really do need is for me to be talking to somebody who can truly listen to me… and having a therapist do that, and I don't have to cook and clean for the therapist, but all I just need to do is probably, you know, pay some monthly fee and I don't have to cook and clean or do anything. And she doesn't stress me out; she just listens to my problems. I'm sorry; if I if I need a d-ck, I can get a d-ck anywhere. I'm sorry.
MB: You know, if it works, it works.
SG: Exactly, exactly. So what life lesson are you going to leave me with? And the audience as well? Any life lesson at all that you live by?
MB: Honestly, I think my lesson is that I have no lessons. I'm pretty, you know, I'm pretty lawless. You know, I just go with my gut a lot. I just do things that feel right to me. I don't try to go by a lesson because that would mean adhering to some kind of rule, and I am not necessarily a rule follower. I've never really been. I mean, I am to some extent—but when it comes to my creativity, I'm all over the place.
MB: So, you know, I'm hard enough on myself as it is. I don’t need some sort of philosophical understanding of things; I just need to listen to myself and listen to my needs and listen to the people who, you know, have my best interest.
SG: This, this is amazing. You see, this is one thing I love about talking to different people: I just love how different human beings are. Like, it gets me excited, just hearing different perspectives on life and how people view life and how different people are. I'm one advocate for individuality: people just being themselves. I love being myself; when I see people doing the same thing, it makes me so happy. When I see people being different, it makes me so happy.
SG: Like, somebody can be in love with, like, a plant in peace. It will make me so happy. Like, I don't cringe at anything that doesn't make sense. I don't really cringe at stuff that people do. I don't cringe about you being different. Maybe the only thing I might cringe on is, like, maybe you taking something very bitter, or, I don’t even know, something else—but not your personality or how you how you view life and that's— I really love your take on living and following your heart, because I also do the same thing, which makes my life so beautiful—and if you live in my life, you might think that I'm a magician or I have superpowers, and it just stems from me listening to my spirit guide. Because I be moving like I'm some witch or something—and, see, I don't have super powers; it's just that I listened to my spirit guide and that's it.
SG: You know, people will be doing things, and, you know, I see it and I will pray it's different. And they’re like, “I got this girl that acts so childish and acts like she's a fool and acts like she doesn't even know anything about life, and you can fool her. How did she outsmart us?” It's because I just listened to my spirit guide. I just listened. You know, so you might think you're ahead of me or you're bullying me or you're doing something, but I outsmart a lot of people in my life, and it's just thanks to, you know, my spirit guide and I'm really happy for that. So I do agree with your… [lesson-less life].
MB: There is one thing that I can say, though, that just helps me on the topic of being very secluded and being very choosy about who you spend your time with. You also need to be very choosy about who you choose to educate. Because, like I said—
SG: Preach! I was telling my therapist today that I'ma mind my business. If you’re not my client, I am minding my business.
MB: You know, there are people who you're going to preach to for the rest of your life and they're still not going to get it—because they don't want to get it. They don't want to. So, you know, this is what I like to say: If education can't prevail, ignorance is best ignored. So, just move on. That's all I can say.
SG: This is just an affirmation for me. It's just— I love this because I was seeing the same thing today. I was like, “I'll tell my therapist, ‘I see a lot of things wrong with certain people, but I have just gotten into the habit of, if you're not my client, I'm sorry, I'm going to keep my mouth shut. It's none of my business.’” And if you don't talk to me, and you say, “Oh, what do you think about this?” I would talk, but I wouldn't put so much energy into it because some people, no matter how much you talk, if you don't take care, you might give them so much wisdom that they might end up hating you, despising you, and being jealous of you.
SG: Yeah, so one thing I have told myself is: “Mind your business.” And you know, sometimes, because you've gone through so much and you know so much even at a young age, you're so itching to talk. But I'm like, “Sharon, tame your tongue.” And—you know this—what we go through also comes with some sort of kindness: kindness for humanity and kindness for humans. We are very humane and, because of everything we've been through, we sort of even understand people when they're being stupid and when they ask us stuff, we are very kind. Even at that, I've learned to tame my tongue and mind my business—let people move it. And sometimes, before I educate somebody, even in the slightest way, I throw some questions to see how the person thinks.
SG: For example, I wanted to tell somebody about some opportunity in school, because I'm also in school and—
MB: That’s wonderful!
SG: Yeah. I asked the person a question because the person was not in school. So I ask the personal question. I was like, “Oh, what do you think about school? How is your background like and everything?” Guess what the person told me. The person’s like, “I hate school. I don't love school and everything.” I was like, oh my God, I just didn't go with advice and pushing the person, because the person has already established a fact that he doesn't like school. He never wants to be in school. There was even another person who told me that, for him, it's over for him, school for him. He's never doing it.
MB: The stubbornness. The stubbornness is just totally limiting.
SG: Yeah. So imagine: The old Sharon would be very pushy, would say, “Oh, it's very good. Imagine you do this, and you do that and do that.” And I'll be giving you so, so many ideas on how this connects.
MB: They're just going to walk away.
SG: But now? Baby girl, I'm the ambassador of minding my business.
MB: Yes, absolutely.
SG: Thank you so much. This is amazing. This took, like, way longer than expected.
MB: I'm so sorry!
SG: No, but it's so good. Don't apologize, because this is like me telling my truth for the first time and I get to, like, share it with you, and it makes me so happy.
MB: Thank you. Thank you so much.
SG: It makes me really happy. And I'm sure that, you know, with time, I will break through the insecurity of not letting this truth of mine out. And as much as I don't really care what anybody thinks, I also have to, like, break through that stigma and push through—because I have a very strong mindset and a strong spirit, so if somebody like me is to come out and really stand up for people who are going through the same thing, I feel like it's going to be great because my mouth is very yammery, yammery, yammery, yammery. You say one; I’ll say twenty. Like, you insult me, I've defended myself in twenty ways, you know, and I can, I can do that for other people, you know. I do that; I do that a lot.
SG: For example, let me just end by saying this: I was talking to my mom. I called her and I was eating, and then she was like—you know, ‘cause she's spiritual—and then she was like, “When do you fast?” And as I was eating, I was like, “When I’m sleeping.”
SG: I didn't even argue; I didn't even think. Like, somebody say, “Oh, Sharon, you're losing weight.” I'll be like, “Please, I'm not losing any weight. The weight I am is the weight that—” Like, the way I defend myself, when I even go back to my own, I don't even think about what you said, because I believe the things that I have said to you in the defense. My mouth is really— I mean, sometimes I have to control myself because, before you’ve said one, I’ve said a thousand. And even in class, I called somebody else out because we sign when we go to class and her signature is so big that when she signs, she enters my space and my teacher, some time ago, was too much. I mean, the first time I spoke to the teacher about it and she was like, “Oh, that’s not good” and everything. So, the second time, it happened again—guess what I did?
SG: I just shouted in the class. I was like, “Who is this?” I mentioned her name. I was like, “Who is this?” Everybody just started looking at me. And she was, like, the person who signed, she was a little scared. And she was like, “Oh, it's me.” I was like, “Please don't sign at my place. You keep signing into my place.” You know, I can really switch characters. I can defend myself so much—
MB: And be shameless about it.
SG: Yeah, and I’m shameless about it! Like, I don't care if people like me—doesn't exist. So, yeah, it will be really good for somebody like me to be in the space where I can talk for people dealing with this. But the reason why I don't talk so much about it is because I am learning so much about it. When I'm defending people on it, I'll be able to, you know, defend in a very educative way—and not in just an educative way, but out of experience as well.
MB: Absolutely. Yeah, it's kind of difficult to talk about things so prematurely because, you know, I can't speak for everyone. I can only answer questions the best that I can, and I can only answer them according to my experience. And, you know, I can't say I'm a master of what this disorder means and what this will do to you and all of these health questions. Just because I've been through it doesn't mean I know everything about it; I'm still learning about myself, and that's something that's going to take my whole life. Learning is just your whole life.
SG: That’s true. We are all students of life.
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